The Tale of the Flaccid Penis

…and the shoestring…

This is not a happy tale, it’s an awkward and sad tale…

Hello dear readers! My troubles began yesterday, I did not feel amazingly wanted. Since breaking up with my boyfriend, I was hoping to fill the hole in my ego with dates or desserts. Eating your way throw a breakup isn’t a great method, gobbling up GU cheesecakes whilst crying at Netflix won’t rebuild your self-esteem.

Gü-Zillionaires-High-Res
20 minutes into Netflix and chill and you’ve already eaten your date…

 

To combat the crushing loneliness, I’ve recently been talking to a man who’s just a little more… experienced. He’s not the oldest person to touch these lips but I certainly can’t rule out the possibility that his signature is a hieroglyph. Usually I’m not one to sleep with people who’ve seen more than six Priminsters, something about knowing a man has witnessed the Vietnam war puts me off. Luckily for him, what I was after didn’t include the word ‘commitment’ and sleeping with him wouldn’t ruin a long friendship (calling him an acquaintance would be generous).

I received a message inviting me round for a ‘conversation’ *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *other sign that he obviously meant sex*.  Due to a lack of fatty foods, my craving for attention and judgment as impaired as a two-legged racehorse, I agreed.

ouch
I stand corrected… (Pun so intentional)

 

I threw on some comfy clothes and trekked towards the source of my wayward affections. After ten minutes of drunkenly interpreting google maps, I met my knight in shining armour. It was awkward at first, this wasn’t my first time at the one night stand rodeo but never with a guy this shy. Trying to break him free of his shell, I adopted a ‘kinky’ fake personality I save for these sort of people. Something about taking the sexual lead seems to loosen them up, regardless of how much it resembles a stock prostitute from Game of Thrones (I’m here to make you feel good baby…so cliché). In the hopes of ramping up the sexual tension, I started to strip down. Side note, it is impossible to know how people actually perceive this. I’ve always aimed for dusky stripper however the execution could be shameless dad for all I know. The only feedback I’ve ever received is ‘ you’re a little odd’, but that’s applicable to most of my life… Through the medium of ‘erotic’ dance, I gleaned two things about this man’s lif, he has nice furniture and was freakishly neat. Now that we knew enough about each other to raise a baby, it was time to get down to business. If the creepy stripping to an unresponsive audience was depressing, what awaited me inside his pants was a sexual Schindlers List. Persevering with my weathered prostitute act, I unzipped his trousers to give him a blowjob. Immediately two things stood out to me (neither were what you’d expect).

1) There’s some sort of fabric cock ring.

2) He’s as hard as SpongeBob SquarePants.

sexy_sponge_bob__by_mammouth31
I regret my search history…

 

Upon witnessing a molehill where I was expecting a volcano, the excuses began pouring out. “I was super hard earlier” He lamented. Well I didn’t have a blood alcohol of zero point pissed earlier, sadly we’re both stuck at this point in time. Wanting to stop but lacking any physical clues to do so, I tried to pull a Lazarus while he continued explaining his wilting flower. Finally, he said; “To be honest, I’m more used to servicing.” Well if that’s what got his motor running, I would have preferred he told me after I spent fifteen minutes sucking a single strand of ramen. Despite harbouring residue anger at my wasted efforts, I decided to stay.

We swapped places to cater to his penis, obviously this part was enjoyable. Blowjobs are like cookies, even if you bake a bad batch they’re still just ugly cookies (sure once in a while a kitchen ignites but if you that bad then maybe consider celibacy). Oral sex notwithstanding, something still felt off. Even though his head was between my legs I knew he was focused on trying to get his dick up, it felt like having sex whilst your cat watched in disdain. Unfortunately, we could not achieve lift off and things started getting even more miserable for the poor guy. As he leant in to kiss me, the fancy fabric cockring came loose and dropped onto my navel. Suppressing a laugh, I tried to be a courteous one night stand and reached to reattach the ring of shame. Only once in my hands, I realised this wasn’t a high-class piece of lewd paraphernalia, it was a fucking shoelace.

I searched in vain to distract from the situation, just save this guy a little bit of dignity. That’s right dear reader, although this man had clearly unlaced one of his shoes and draped the fabric around his penis like a smelly feather boa, I was still trying to be nice. Nothing came. My eyes fixed on the ceiling and with full knowledge of the avalanche of cringing it would cause, I muttered; “I like your lamp.”

brain
– Me, to myself…

 

There’s never an official time to leave a guy in bed but when you start discussing decor may be it. The longer I lay beneath his grimaced face, faux cockring looped between my fingers, the more likely I was to awkwardly compliment his furniture. Fortunately, Mr Flaccid Penis asked if I wanted to use his shower, maybe he didn’t like the naked realtor I’d become either…

As warm waters rushed over my back, the guy had one more twist to throw at me. Apparently, I was welcome to get ready and have a coffee but I couldn’t take too long because he had a flight in two hours. A flight people. Who is so prepared that twenty minutes before their cab comes they can invite strangers over for crappy foreplay?! I literally sit and panic sweat for four hours before I even pack. At least in this regard, I was very impressed. I had my quick shower (attempting to wash a bit sexily for him? I felt bad guys) and we exchanged numbers in the same fashion I reserve for people ‘who I should definitely meet up for coffee’ – He didn’t even drop call me back…

Takeaway lesson: Don’t have sex with people because you don’t have enough dessert to engulf your emotions.

Top Tip #12 Always have enough ice cream to survive a nuclear winter.

On the bright side, I did feel a little bit empowered? Dont ask why, maybe I secretly want to be a furniture appraiser and this was the little taste I needed…

 

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A modern piece which is soft in any setting…

 

Stats:

cigarettes: Actually not too bad, I’m not in the mood to suck skinny things right now but least they are stiff.

Exercise: I’ve taken to playing Just Dance 3 in lieu of actually exercising, results to follow.

Dates: None, but this guy and I are talking about which animals we would be so I’ve got good feelings…

 

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4 thoughts on “The Tale of the Flaccid Penis

  1. […] Hello dear readers! I may not be on time but I’m not as tardy as usual, I’m consistently inconsistent. My absence has mostly been work-related, saying that we’re experiencing a staff drought would be like describing Kim Jong Un as a quirky nationalist. Where I’d usually be going on dates I’ve been drinking ‘Unwinding Gin’, it’s just gin with the added benefit of feeling like you deserve it. I’ll keep praying to the patron saint of love, Steve Buscemi (him having a wife is proof of miracles), that I’ll get some free time to meet more future ex-boyfriends. Right enough with the excuses! This week I’m graciously providing you with my guide to enjoying one-night stands, helped with real-life examples from my last single-use boyfriend. This isn’t going to full of useless advice like “know who you are” or “don’t push yourself if you’re not ready”, that vapid small talk won’t mean shit six tequilas in when Quasimodo transforms into Prince Charming. Strap yourselves in chickies, pour out an “Unwinding Anything” and get ready for sex advice from someone who’s had to contend with dicks gift-wrapped in shoelaces. […]

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  2. […] He’s since had a hilariously bad one week relationship which had to be cut short because it turns out the other half of this fling only accounted for a third of the age (why lie your way to us bitter people you young fools?). Which has lead him back on the charm offensive with me. I’m anything but overly confident, I just stand by my shitty mistakes, otherwise I would be comprised of pure shame (I just had a vivid flashback of noodle dick). […]

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