The Tale of Two Kisses (Part 2)

And just the Worst Barbecue…

So last time I’d just been given the ‘I don’t remember aaaannnnnyyyyythhhiinnnggg’ excuse after a fly- by kiss and an invitation to dinner, if you want to catch up click here!

So its the morning after, I’ve got the tequila shakes (I love it even if the next day I have a brief window into life with Parkinsons) and I’m still pretty pumped over Bruce’s impromptu kiss. I have a mini ritual when I have a hangover which isn’t debilitating, I phone a friend (we’ll call them Whorey) and find out who and how many people they hooked up with. Its much better then my previous routine which was calling my ex and telling them rather bluntly that they can rent me for the day, then phoning them the day after that and saying it can never happen again (Dr Jekyll, Mrs HOW-FUCKING-DARE-YOU…)

Whorey suggested we go for a civilised brunch in London, and by civilised I mean we’ll be drinking hair of the dog in an area with a nicer view. As we were both hungover our brunch was more a supper, and I needed the extra time to make my face not look like a melted barbie’s. Top Tip #78 Find a make-up brush that will make pancake mix look flattering

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Hello sailor…

Me and Whorey arrived in Southbank and I immediately gush about Bruce, I have the ability to outwardly show zero emotion about any man but it requires one random sacrifice friend to push all these feelings onto (like an emotional Sherpa). Whorey however isn’t one for simple kisses and had slept with someone at 5am shortly before going to their job as a CARE ASSISTANT… the only thing worse than a carer slapping you with a pillow is a carer who is too hungover to give a shit and throws up in your sink.

I used to get quite upset that Whorey always managed to find men whilst I always managed to find a takeaway on the way home, the namesake isn’t because I don’t like them, its just they’re at top of their game of sleeping with strangers and being nonchalant about it. However I’ve come to realise that the men Whorey gets are like the shitty little bird pokemon you catch at the start of the game. Easy to find, easier to catch and end up being fucking annoying (and have bird herpes?). Top tip #101 Men find pokemon analogies sexy and inviting…

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Pocket Monster Indeed….

It starts getting late but me and Whorey decide that we’ll go for a couple drinks in the city before we ride home, we’ve had a long hangover and we’re both pretty happy about last night. This was a poor choice… Bruce messages me with the ‘blackout’ excuse regarding our dinner and Whorey has bumped into their old landlord who is ‘abit sleazy’ which is a tremendous understatement.

It gets to 11pm and I have to take the last train home otherwise I’ll be phoning the nearby ex for a room (a prospect which both unappealing and appealing) so I tell Whorey to wrap it up with Sleazy. Sleazy quickly jumps in ‘Oh you can stay at my house! its only a cab ride away and we can go clubbing’… No, no no no… I give Whorey the wide terror eyes of someone who definitely DOES NOT want to go back to Sleazy’s flat. But Whorey is an idiot… “Thanks [Sleazy] I hate leaving London without sleeping with someone, otherwise its a waste.”

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Fuck…

Well THAT took a turn, we arrive at Sleazy’s flat and Whorey promptly falls asleep on a couch, leaving me all alone in a random place with a rather predatory man… “Have a drink Sam, I can’t believe I got kicked out for being too drunk” Firstly the drink is canned Carling (which for my overseas friends is the equivalent of drinking pee with a hint of cousin marriage), and secondly its 4am and I’m trying to fall asleep with my hands between my legs, I DON’T need your hobo sweat sir.

I go for a safety cigarette but I’m being stalked like a gazelle by Tony the Horny Tiger. In the confined space of the porch his penis keeps hitting my thigh through his boxers and I can tell its time for unsexy talk. I’m about to start moaning about a fake case of chlamydia when he mentions the ‘ball and chain’ upstairs…

Men this is an announcement on behalf of all the poor people you badly hit on… It is NOT sexy to talk about you girlfriend, boyfriend, cat you shouldn’t have illegally married WHILST simultaneously ‘accidentally’ rubbing you penis through your crappy silk shorts on someone’s thigh. To quote the late great Amy Winehouse “I’d Rather Have Cat AIDS”

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Maybe she already had it?

He kisses me on the lips (told you there was a second kiss *wink*) and I immediately shut it down and go to bed, my self esteem might be on the floor after Bruce, but it hasn’t broken through the floorboards into hell…

The next day is awkward, everyone is in the kitchen, including the happy couple, whilst I have to make small talk and teach Whorey the meaning behind terror eyes. ‘Its such a nice day, we should have a barbecue’… more terror eyes… ‘Well I’ve still not met anyone, I’m sure I can get someone from my old stomping ground’, Fuck you Whorey…

My ship has sailed at this point, I pull out the oldest trick in the book: The emergency phone call. I ask my sister to phone me up and walk back in… ‘Oooooooh guuuuuuuuuuyssss, I’m really sorry but my friend is in trouble and I have to ruuuuuuun, you’ll be okay by yourself Whorey?’ (firstly, elongated words express more fake disappointment, secondly, I’m leaving Whorey for the hounds at this point)

Top tip #41 Leave a man behind if they  can’t get their shit together and save you from a predatory 36 year old

I go to leave and Sleazy meets me outside his house, he did let me stay so I let him give me a quick peck, his relationship issues aren’t my issues after all. “We’re having a party in two weeks, are you going to come?” “Sure thing Sleazy, I think I’ll be around”

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If he believes thats true…

I may have left a friend behind, but I definitely left with my (shred of) dignity…

Stats:

Emotional Level: Rape survivor

Cigarettes: TEN BAZILLION… a cock on the thigh and you’ll panic smoke too

Exercise: Well my heart rate was elevated…

Dates: One invite to a party I’ll never go to

 

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