The Other Awkward Barbecue…

…And the Sunglasses War…

So I went to my Ex’s house for a barbecue, don’t worry I’m annoyed at myself too. After a 5 year relationship, you accumulate tonnes of stuff, the first time I did the ‘I need all my bits back’ I had to take my car and the mentality of Hercules.

Now the first time I broke up these items became countries in our own mini cold war. Each won back was a petty victory, and many others were held on as POWs. One of the greatest loses from my side was an ugly pair of white sunglasses. They were probably about Ā£10 from River Island and I would have sacrificed a puppy to get back (as you can tell, I find it really easy to keep my perspectives straight). I didn’t even miss them initially, I just happened across a photo on Facebook where he had used them as part of a smurf outfit (these were top notch sunglasses), after which I calmly put down my phone an continued my life.

Top Tip #1 Lie to yourself CONSTANTLY

Looking back I know I was angry because he looked like he was having more fun than me, which he probably wasn’t, it was at a smurf party after all. I lost control of my emotions quicker than I would usually lose my inhibitions around tequila, love will make you crazy but the break-ups can get you sectioned.

He had coffee with Trisha, SHE. IS. MINE.


I messaged him something crazy about the sunglasses, it probably seemed reasonable at the time but I like to back track on memories more often than North Korea. I got a message back which was pure venom, understandable, I had given him those sunglasses so he wouldn’t be seen crying on the tube after the break-up (as I’ve said earlier, I am in no way a good role model).

There was a couple more word skirmishes but an agreement was finally met, we would meet at neutral territory (a bar, so really I had the home advantage) and he would return them to me. When I got there he immediately confessed he DID NOT have the sunglasses, my rage was sedated by an equally immediate visit to the bar. We did end up talking about the break-up and had quick run down about how terrible I am. I sat an took this graciously, mostly because I already had a new boyfriend who kept telling me I was amazing (the new one was still naive).

Pictured: Me, constantly


I ended up apologising about something, anything really, to get away. I had listened to someone who used to adore me basically give me a reverse confessional. Instead the priest just spits on the kids for an hour chanting ‘DEVIL’ (not my idea of a great time, unless… it was sexy priest?). After which HE PULLED OUT THE FUCKING SUNGLASSES, “I just wanted to hear you apologise” he said.

Only my clothes were cheaper…

Top Tip #121 Everyone is petty, the nice guys are petty, the bad guys are petty, you are petty, accept it.

Well I was done with listening to his bullshit about how I’m more evil then Maleficent and Thalidomide’s love child. I downed my wine and left. Years later and we’re actually friends now, he invited me to a dinner which was created specifically to bitch about someone we both know (should I be honoured?). He did teach me a valuable lesson, when a relationship ends and you both of you are intense, everyone’s going to get petty at some point (no matter how ‘over it’ you think you are).

The reason I mention this is because for the first time, I managed to do one of these exchanges (with the other one) without any pettiness. The reason I turned up to this barbecue is because he wanted some Ratchet and Clank games back and I was in the area that day. He tried to re-arrange but I am done shaping my life around my ex’s (so ironically I just post about it instead) and stuck to my guns. In return I wanted quite possibly the best mug in existence back…

A true masterpiece…


I won’t lie, the dinner felt awkward as hell and I spent most my time talking to his parents (who are adorable). There were one or two comments that made me slightly uncomfortable, but if you ever want to move on in life you just have to internalise it and get used to it. That way next time you go into a different lion’s den you can deal with that shit (Not that I plan on meeting anyone’s parents soon…).

The saddest thing is I kinda don’t feel like this beautiful piece of porcelain belongs to my life any more. Naturally some compliments over my awesome morning set will get me over that hurdle. So yes, that was my Thursday, would you have done something different? I’m not amazing at making rational decisions…

At least on the bright side I didn’t want to have sex with him, that’s an improvement.

Right I promise by the weekend I’ll have the thing up, if you feel like I offer lots of empty promises, maybe we should go on a date too, its kinda my thing *wink*


Emotional level: Weirdly self secure, maybe not caring about other peoples live’s makes me stronger, or maybe I’m finally becoming a cat.

Cigarettes: Just a lot okay, I’m not even trying at this point.

Exercise: I didn’t eat the cake at the barbecue, which is basically 1000 burpees

Dates: One production officer in HR, I’m that type of employee




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