The Weird Cocktail…

…And the Aggressive Negging…

So the last post was pretty sombre… I thought I’ll liven it up by finally giving you the results of the Match.com Experiment! …is what I would say If I’d have written it… (don’t hate me, usually when I disappoint a partner I can offer them a *favour* in return, just give your self a slap on the wank). I did have an encounter which left me rather speechless though, you’ll get to hear about that instead. One of the upsides of this little blog of mine is that its stopped me being a turtle made of old clothes and forces me to interact with new men, otherwise I’d sit at home and watch How I Met Your Mother till I felt attached to Barney…

No caption needed…

 

There’s this one guy who a year ago I wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot barge pole whilst wearing a hazmat suit, he’s not the local bike, he’s the local bus service (cheaper to get on and holds more than one passenger *wink wink*). I’ve known him for quite a while, he usually works in the restaurants I like to go to, plus we have to rotate because one of our dining guests often gets drunk and forces us to abandon till the shame wears away… (which is a refreshing change for me at least). I’ve also seen him on nights out usually getting on strangers whilst whatever poor soul he’s with can only watch, mostly I offer them a shot of tequila, its the gesture that counts. Needless to say, he’s abit of a fuck boy.

The other smarmy (that’s definitely the right word) thing he does is ‘turn up’ where I’m working, casually talk for twenty minutes then proceed to ignore me when we’re out drinking (negging, I believe?). All of which I don’t have time for, I’m the sort of person who’ll happily say ‘so you wanna get inside my body?’ If I feel like the other half is being too coy. Consequently this weird tidal pull and push of compliments and blanking doesn’t really work on me, being slutty is forgiveable, ignoring me is not (said a perfectly sane individual).

Me, when the blanking starts…

 

That all changed the other day though, even with all my fuck boy defences up… (by defences I mean looking like you’d just escaped an axe welding bear in a particularly shitty wood). We were having dinner, and thinking I wouldn’t see anyone sexy, I had ordered a small nation’s worth of food… (a rich nation too, like… Lichtenstein?). Now I’m not one to be food shamed, but up until this point I’ve not being having sex with people who are part of my friend group. Having (we’ll call him Bikey) see me eat my way though a small hog does destroy some of the air of mystery around my personal life (or I suppose he could just read this and find out how gross I really am). Top tip #37 Assert your dominance by never sharing food, even if its a platter.

Apparently watching me piranha my way through pounds of meat isn’t enough of a turn off and someone casually asks how my last date went. “Why haven’t we even been on a date Sam?” chirps in Bikey, whilst I’m covered in BBQ sauce like some sort of hickory smoked vulture. I was at a loss, surrounded by all my ‘friends’ eagerly awaiting whatever car crash was going to stumble out of my mouth… To everyone’s amazement (including my own) I managed to respond rather eloquently with “We’re always on dates, its just your working.” (This coming from the kid who asked his Russian headmaster “if it really is a desolate wasteland up there?”).

“No… Russia is Socialist Disneyland my decadent Comrade”

 

After dinner we agree to meet up for a drink at some point, I’m in the market for a closer to home ‘cuddle’ buddy who isn’t someone I have baggage with (side note, baggage with Jerry Springer is a tremendous TV show). After a couple days pass I start to get annoyed, I feel like if you WANT to go on a date and I AGREE to something which is clearly not in my interest, you should at least organise my mistakes for me. I decided to take destiny (and by that I mean the possibility of casual sex) into my own hands and arranged another dinner at the restaurant…

This time round he was VERY unamicable which is fairly difficult to do when your trying to get tips from the other diners, so congratulations to him for that. Being the easily distracted squirrel I am, when I saw the cocktails coming I exclaimed “oooooh what a big glass!” (I apparently have the same mental processing skills as a Dora the Explorer fan). To which Bikey says:

“Big enough for your ego…”

Thanks for having my back Beyonce

 

Now I’m lost for words, my friend just awkward laughs and we leave after a couple more drinks (never forget your first and probably your last love, wine). Since then I find myself actively trying to get his attention, the question is my dear readers; Am I an arrogant idiot OR was I just successfully negged?!

He’s since had a hilariously bad one week relationship which had to be cut short because it turns out the other half of this fling only accounted for a third of the age (why lie your way to us bitter people you young fools?). Which has lead him back on the charm offensive with me. I’m anything but overly confident, I just stand by my shitty mistakes, otherwise I would be comprised of pure shame (I just had a vivid flashback of noodle dick).

What do you guys think, I’m genuinely lost on this one, if I was successfully insulted into wanting more attention from this man, should I pursue it? I’m not after a lasting relationship with this handsome asshole and my eyes are open to it (which means we’ll be married according to movie logic). On the other hand he knows Bruce quite well and I don’t want my name tarnished by association (not that I haven’t done that already).

Or I could just be crazy and both these men are trying to avoid getting sucked into my gravitational well of mental instability…

Stats:

Emotional state: Had one VERY weird dream about Ed Miliband which may have changed my views on voting labour (I love a man with a lisp)

Cigarettes: I thought I’d smoked very little with week BUT I found another half empty packet and realised I just hid the proof of smoking tonnes from myself…

Dates: There is a mystery man at a dinner I’m going to tonight, however its also a buffet so I doubt he’ll be interested after he sees what I can do to unlimited chicken wings…

Exercise: (see above) – Is it worth it at this point?