…Which Messed Me Up …
So this post was initially going to be called ‘The Black Man’ (which I have written) however inner emotional turmoil has forced me to push a different unsexy post forward (sorry guys). I pride myself in having a small amount of control over my feelings, or at least being able to hide my kind thoughts from people (I watched Sleeping Beuaty as a child and Maleficent was my fave…).
Recently though I’ve found myself genuinely feeling things for one of my ex’s, which trust me, is a terrifying thought. The first one I sent packing on a tube which I then hopped on to go to a date. The second one cried a shit tonne in front of me and I didn’t shed a tear till two weeks later. Needless to say, I’m good at being cold hearted. About a week ago I went to ‘The Other Awkward Barbecue’ which was fun enough, nothing says a good time like your ex dad-in-law grimacing when he looks at you. It was bad enough but I got my prize, the fun little sushi mug which I HAVE received compliments on since (I knew that was a good investment).
The downside though is that every night since I have dreamt about my ex, and it truly is messing with my mind (10x more then shitty negging guy). The dreams aren’t graphic in anyway, its mostly him sharing blankets or cooking food with me, which is so much worse (The graphic dreams are easy to dismiss, I’m not ashamed to admit to one particularly steamy night with Frollo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame)
The rational part of me says “its just the intimacy your missing” which is probably the answer. There was no sexual tension when I last saw him, but I did love our moments when we both remembered something funny we had done together (spoiler, I’m a terrible driver/mechanic). Another rational part of my mind says “Loss never hits you till two years after” (my mum is a psychotherapist, which means I’m DEFINITELY fucked up) and it has been a year and a half. Maybe this is just my mind pulling a crappy trick on me now that I’m allowing men back into my life (into me).
When we were together I wasn’t exactly the best person in the world, I wouldn’t be surprised if I left lots of emotional bruises on him too (side note, I’m honestly insane). Even if I did give in to these really weird urges and profess my love to him (in some weird Love Actually fashion) there is absolutely no chance we’d A) suddenly work, or B) he’d actually want to pursue such a crazy endeavour. If this were a horror story, he’d be the innocent virgin and I’d be the basement you all shout not to go in. Top tip #95 Be the very definition of fear to assure power…
I’m not exactly sure where this is going, mostly I’m hoping I can blow this out of my system (figuratively and literally *wink*). I have two dates on the horizon and I really don’t need this mental wrench in the cogs to fuck those up.What do you guys think? Is my past relationship repeating on me like a bad white wine, or have I suddenly had a change of heart?
I think the worst thing about this situation is our correspondences, which are always emotional power plays. He dismisses our conversations towards the end with a ‘ah okay’ or something along those lines. This meant nothing to me because he didn’t mean anything to me. Now it hurts a little, which is something I absolutely abhor. As a staunch feminist I refuse to let a man rule me emotionally (unless its you Frollo). It all feels very messy which is the exact opposite of where I saw my post-breakup self with him.
Question number two dear readers, would it be best if I never talked to him again? I feel this would help me out in the long run, but crazy dream Sam would be very upset. Its a tough choice so I’m going to sit on that for a bit, next post will be the black man as I’ve already written it. Sorry to the people waiting for a conclusion to the Match.com thing (I do have an interesting turn of events on that front though).
Emotional level: Britney circa when she shaved off her hair
Cigarettes: Are my best friend
Dates: 2! more info to follow children
Exercise: No joke I think the Just Dance is working OR I feel alot sexier in harem pants?