The Patchy Penis…

…And the Rejected Organ…

So the last post was whiny, honest but still whiny… Fortunately I fixed the issue of the bad dreams by living though the sexual equivalent of a night terror. Originally I planned on writing about this straight after the… encounter… but I kept getting Vietnam-esque flashbacks and needed a few days of self medicated red wine to take the sting off (you weren’t there man).

So this grim tale begins with ANOTHER online date. After floppy dick I should have known better, but I’m nothing if not a penis optimist so I thought I’d give it another go. I’ve been talking to this younger guy for a couple days, hes four years younger and I have a ‘One Year Below’ rule. This stops me wasting time on men who have the mentality of frat boys (in itself not a bad thing, just not suited for dates). Usually this would price (we’ll call him Ben) out the market, but Ben was a paramedic so rationally he should be more responsible? I reasoned that if it does go badly I could get a free check up out of it (I would later learn that anatomy was NOT his strong suit).

The hip bone connects to the… disappointing sex 


He invited me over to ‘watch a movie’ which usually I wouldn’t fall for. However Ben had just finished explaining different types of bone fractures which left me confused (if I was a pokemon, confuse ray would always be super effective). The first red flag I happily let sail by was his taste in movies, ‘Hasel & Gretal: Witch Hunters’ is truly and Oscar snub… Much like Ben, it was energetic in all the wrong ways and left you wondering why you punished yourself for so long (at least I didn’t pay fifteen pounds…). I put on a simple outfit befitting a university dorm room and began walking towards the future disaster zone.

I got there and lit a cigarette, my mind is stuck in the fifties and I wanted to look sexy when he saw me. Ben came to the door and I was full of disappointment, saying he lied in his profile is like saying Hitler was slightly xenophobic… He WAS twenty but he certainly didn’t have an ‘average’ body. He was large, he had erected a flannel marquee around his body and topped it off with puffy gilet (it was around 26Β°c). It was all very confusing, why wear a body warmer AND shorts? Most of his ‘body mass’ (polite term) was strangling his chest anyway, surely his legs needed the protection from the mild gusts of summer?!  I put out the cigarette, at this point I could be wearing the skin of the last person I murdered and he’d still let me in, being approximately a 1/3 of your dates weight gives you some power. Top Tip #67 Don’t get fit for yourself, do it for shallow men, that will help with your body issues…

Gilets rank just above Crocs on the sexy scale (side note HES WEARING A T-SHIRT! are you hot or cold sir?)


Having zero sense and a bleeding heart for men with low self-esteem, I went inside to watch Hansel and Gretel. I’ve been with quite a few guys and seen alot of things but something new happened to me that day, we actually watched the entirety of the movie. He never once made a move, offered me drinks (I didn’t take him up, he had access to drugs after all) and was very polite if ridiculously nervous. The movie is absolutely terrible by the way (I know you all needed to know my thoughts on this hot button issue) however this was eclipsed by his conversation skills. Its not that he didn’t talk (infact he completely talked over the movie, a nonissue) its just that the topics were so far removed from sexy that Stephen Hawking looked like a pick-up artist. Here are some gems:

“Oh I love mac I keep most of it in my TWO safes, and I have the keys and they’re combination locks too even if you did get the keys…”

“No, its not that my family don’t talk to me because I’m gay, I’m still in the closet, they just like me the least…”

“Yes the other day we had to help this guy who got hit by a tube train, his pelvis was sticking out of his skin but he still tried to pick up the female EMT… I don’t think He’ll walk again…”

Firstly warning me off your precious items like I’m a sexy thief won’t get me in the mood Gollum. Secondly if the results of a familial poll place you bottom, don’t share that with someone you want to fuck. Lastly I feel like this should never have to be said, but save the bone punctures and life crippling injuries for Hannibal or Myra Hindley…

The only thing shallow about me are the graves


So why I haven’t I left yet? Well dear readers, despite being a cold hearted bitch, I have a massive soft spot for poor unfortunate souls (and Ursula Complex, if you will). The movie had ended and we reached peak awkwardness, I should have stood up and walked out but in the end I just said:

“Your not going to make a move, do you wanna do anything or should I just leave?”

Top tip #54 Offer sexual services to people you don’t like instead of giving to charity

It gets much gorier than Hansel and Gretel from here on in, so now’s your chance to stop. Still reading? We’ll for starters his penis was terrible, much thinner than his body would of suggested (or maybe that was just a perspective trick) and much like 90’s Michel Jackson, a patchy mix of white and brown. I experienced almost immediate regret, but I was too far in now, unless its healthy living or the gym I’m no quitter.

Now it seems like my lot in life is to get partners that have issues with their junk. I’ve had guys who couldn’t get hard, some who did but couldn’t last, and on one occasion a dick which had the dimensions of a mushroom. This (being a night of firsts) was the first time I’ve experienced a functioning penis that wouldn’t go into my body, I rejected it like a shitty organ transplant.

At least those organs get to go in first…


It might have been because I decided ‘doggy style’ was best, but that was purely so I wouldn’t see him, not out of preference (its one of my least favourites positions if anything). I silently left him to fumble for what felt like twenty minutes, but I was staring at ugly curtains so it could have five for all I knew, I was just enjoying not hearing him talk. When he finally admitted defeat to the Waterloo that was simply having sex, he truly showed his lack of knowledge with some forceful fingering. I feel all porn should have a disclaimer at the beginning which states “Dear inexperienced men, the stunts you are about to see are performed by professionals and may not be enjoyable when recreated at home…” I suddenly missed the men who came early and cried.

He was all jabby and sad, like he was trying to play flappy bird with my insides. I kindly offered to just give him a blowjob instead. I allowed all this to happen because I honestly think he may have been a virgin. This possible first time had been pretty traumatic already, telling him that there are probably quadriplegics out there who are better at fingering wasn’t going to help. The blowjob was also a mistake. It took foooooooorever, there are buses in the remotest parts of Wales that come more often. At one point he was close but his leg suddenly cramped up, any iota of hope I had left died, I felt like the Grinch just stole Cum-mas. It all ended with me dressing quickly, washing my face in the sink and heading to the closest bar to drown my sorrows.

Pictured: Me for the next two days…



Is there a lesson to be learnt from Giraffe dick? (that’s too kind, giraffes have long necks). Not really, new isn’t always better, but now I know I don’t get turned on by chubby guys with a penchant for talking about surgery (but I think I knew that already?) The brightside is I no longer have the ex dreams, I think this firmly pushed all of those emotional issues out to make space for MJ dick and a host of new issues. I did get a message saying he had a good time and I give a decent blowjob, so either he was a virgin or his past partners were REALLY fucked up. Top tip #91 Bad is good when compared to terrible, so just be better than the ex.

Sorry that was a super long post guys, but much like Ben I had alot of area to cover. Last night I dreamt about a nice man in suit who owned a yacht so at least I’m fixed! I wouldn’t recommend anyone else have sex with creeps to work out their emotional issues, I’ll let you fight out whether that’s a good idea in the comments…


Cigarettes: Really helped me this week

Emotional Stability: Much like Noodle Dick I feel surprisingly good after, maybe my fetish is for teaching virgins and not furniture design…

Exercise: I could eat a full manatee this week and still feel thin

Dates: Nothing planned as of yet but I might take up deaf guys offer


4 thoughts on “The Patchy Penis…

  1. […] I felt guilty about how brutally I left things so I messaged him to explain I was busy with my manager at the time. Ronaldo responded but I don’t know with what, just like Oliver he’s an unopened message now. Why? I have no idea, I think my expectations of love are based on a fairy tales. If I don’t feel that spark I’m not going to waste time on these people anymore, not after Patchy Penis… […]


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