…And how I came to hate Hank…
Quick warning, this isn’t going to be a full post like usual, last time I got a bit off-piste so todays footnotes are for those looking for the updates on Hank I promised.
Right, as I used to say to my ex before we had sex, lets just get this over with…
I’ve already been honest and said that I didn’t gel with Hank when I first met him, but he did look like a chunky Matt Smith so I was willing to give it a shot (anything Doctor Who adjacent gets a fast track to my bed). However my opinion of him, much like an Alzheimer’s patient, has been degrading fast with no hope of returning. In the beginning I didn’t notice all his little quirks (such as lacking a personality), mostly because I was trashed and all we did was make out.
Hank has positive attributes, he’s generous, social and loyal, but having just these qualities makes you no better than a well-trained dog (and much like a dog, he’s annoying if he speaks too much). What Hank lacks is a sense of humour, which is really important because his ‘jokes’ are just insults that he laughs at after… Unfortunately Hank you can’t call me a whore then laugh loudly hoping I’ll join in, you don’t let a racehorse with a broken leg compete just for its self-esteem. This can be done well, Bruce has a very dark sense of humour but he pulls it off because it’s funny, start taking notes Hank…
Aside from being comedy arsenic, Hank has another annoying habit that gets me down. I was out for lunch with two friends we’ll call Cheeky and Quiet. Cheeky is hilarious and always fun to chat with (usually about dick), plus they’re in a long-term relationship so no creepy undercurrents. Quiet is nice but as you can guess from the name, quite quiet (good luck reading that international viewers). Now Cheeky wanted to go to Hanks restaurant for lunch, which I wasn’t massively up for. I was supposed to meet Hank for drinks later and I didn’t want to use up all the shits I had left for Hank before I got there. Luckily he wasn’t there and our lunch consisted of Cheeky and Quiet trying to guess which table I gave the Hank the blowie under (hint hint, it’s the one with my self-respect under it).
Hank did pop up though, and like an old man’s dick during a sponge bath, he was awkward and unwanted. The four of us were chatting rather civilly when he literally stopped, ogled the crap out of a customer and turned back to talk to us. Now I know we’re not a couple, but if you’re expecting to go for drinks with me then that’s not the behaviour I want to see before hand. Personally I find it rude, I’ve gone to the effort of making myself look good (more than Hank I might add) and he is staring at other people right in front me. I’m not sure if he was tying to do some sly negging? If he was it was as effective as one of his jokes, the alternative is he has as much game as Oscar Pistorius.
I did meet with him but I brought Whorey along incase I wanted to escape, they get along like Stalin and free thought. It turned into more of a group night with Hank sitting as far away as possible the whole time.
Top tip #107: Don’t be like Hank.
I ending up talking to Bruce and Quiet who were mostly playing Pokemon Go, so I basically had drinks with myself (how can a mere mortal compare to a Staryu). Hank invited me to go for more drinks in a club which loosely translates to:
“Let’s get you drunk because I can’t make a move.”
Not tonight Hank, If I’m going to talk to a silent piece of rubber it will be with my sex toys, they’re much more fun…
Now dear readers, how do I handle my next move? He’s part of the group I party with so I can’t be too blunt, I like my life awkward but not that awkward. My personal favourite idea is the old ‘Sorry I’m seeing someone else’ but I’m lacking anyone else, so that’s a wrench in the plan. My best bet is to sleep with someone local so it’s a tangible story but it could end up being a swallowed a spider to catch the fly mess. Tell me what you think, for now it’s sangria and Spanish men!
Right guys it’s back to normal next post with my Barcelona updates! There’s talk of a threesome, a very bad prostitute, it’s all very exciting!