The Unsexy Post…

…And the awkward apology… 

Hey everyone! As per usual I’m late getting this post out, I feed off of peoples disappointment… I’m back in England (again…) after the sleepy penis, hoping to find one that’s just drowsy instead. Half the reason for my tardiness is I’m working somewhere new. As much as I want to drink gin and rant about dick(s), I need to make a good, non-hungover impression to the work force… (now I just soberly complain about dicks to them instead!)  There is a bright side, however, apparently they’re hiring a guy. That sentence makes me sound thirstier than a hobo who’s hot-boxed a tent for 6 hours, but this particular situation feels a lot like a setup (the modern curse for singles over twenty-five – a constant stream of uninteresting men). As much as I looove having men thrust upon me (here’s looking at you deaf guy) he does look pretty hot. He also looks pretty young… I want to stand by my ‘One Year Younger’ rule, the last time I broke it I had to contend with Mr Patchy Dick, but I’m willing to bend them one more time.

Top Tip #190: You won’t break your own rules until your spirit is broken first...

Now I had a revelation last time I was out with Whorey Spelling, and no, it’s not that I should take Whorey to the STD clinic (I doubt they’d be accepted). We went out for drinks and bumped into Hank and the gang, where I found out that Bruce has been reading my blog! Now in my tequila-addled mind this wasn’t too much of an issue, I was more concerned about who had told him (snitches get stitches, or in this case snitches don’t get included next time I order shots).  My personal theory is Quiet, they have the longest history with Bruce and Cheeky knew about it a while before it got out. Bruce attempted to claim that I had told him, but drink doesn’t have the truth serum effect on me. I have two drunk modes, ‘Irrational Rage Towards An Ex’ (a favourite among singles) and ‘OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU’ mode, where I single someone out and just find them amazing for the night in a platonic way. Past that point I acquire the communication and mobility skills of Jabba the Hut, so if I black out at least I take my secrets with me to the dark abyss/emergency room.

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“Fine, do you have an emergency contact?” – Some poor EMT driving me to A&E…

 

After my lazy interrogation I got bored and danced, which is my reaction whenever I get bored (some would say whimsical, others would say brain lesion).  I woke up the next day to the usual phone call from Whorey where we debrief who ever was drunkest on the atrocities they had committed. In this particular case it was because Whorey had slept with Heels (remember them?) after they had spewed all over their ex boyfriend. Props to Heels, if you’re going to publicly embarrass yourself in front of your ex then you might as well take them down with you.

Top Tip #133: Sick truly is a double edged sword… (alternatives for this were: Say with sick, but don’t expect a response, and Sick is a weapon of mass distraction… I’ve eaten a lot of sugar today guys…)

Discussing Whorey’s sex life gave me a brief flashback regarding Brucegate, he had apologised at one point but I had no idea why. I didn’t particularly care that he had read my blog, at this point in time most of the posts are complaints about Hank (he was pretty touchy that night by the way). With the help of a tequila hangover, it occurred to me that during June I did have a phase when I wrote about him a couple times and those posts are where the reason for the apology lies…

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Pull out your notebooks, we’re going clue hunting…

 

Now as a rule of thumb I try not to read my own posts (its why they’re so full of errors!). It’s like eating pizza, feels great going down, but terrible if you have to relive it after a couple of G&Ts. Today is the day for throwing up pizza my friends, I’ve poured myself a gin and tonic and we’re going to comb through the pepperoni to find clues… (I really let that metaphor go on too long…)

Now the first place I mention him is in the ‘The tale of two kisses part 1’, and it all pretty nice stuff I think:

“Bruce has quite a few characteristics I like; quiet, sarcastic, drinks and has tattoos that don’t quite make sense” – All true and positive! However, I hate giving people compliments without realising. Some people like to play it cool, I like to give people frostbite…

In regards to our impromptu kiss:“I could breathe but our lips were touching, his tongue made it into my mouth but didn’t assault my lungs… Suddenly Bruce had become a viable dating option.”    – Again all good stuff. It’s now fabulously awkward that he’s read this, but it was months ago so hopefully Bruce didn’t read too much into it by the time it got to him. It isn’t that he’s not the same person, I’ve just changed my outlook (don’t worry I’ll explain later).

Then next time I mention him isn’t so full of smiles… “Bruce is off the scene, our dinner never materialised and an old flame of his came back from university so he ignored me these past two weeks” – This is sort of true, we did never go for dinner and he was more preoccupied with someone else that week. In hindsight he wasn’t actively blanking me, I was getting more  of an awkward vibe when I was around him. If he was reading this at that point then I can understand why, I wouldn’t go near someone if I knew they’d be writing about the next day… (that’s slightly inaccurate, I’m about as up-to-date as windows 95 when it comes to writing)

“This week has been a desert but the weekend and Bruce fast approach (yeah I might still go there…)” – Well we’re back to being positive… and creepy… I’m grabbing another drink…

The last significant mention I can find on Bruce is this: “Bruce just up and kissed me last night again when he was drunk, zero context, no lead up, in a group… It felt almost mocking, and after patchy dick I feel like I deserve a slight amount of respect. I’m into him but I like to give mixed messages not receive them, and he’s giving me ‘I’m really interested… I guess, maybe’.”  – Firstly I want to apologise for writing the equivalent of a ‘Best Bits’ clips show, you’ve persevered well to get to this point guys… Secondly I think we’ve found the cause of the awkward apology… It’s nice that Bruce went to the effort of saying sorry but at the same time I really don’t think he had to. He was drunk to begin with which is my blanket excuse for any mistake I make, I don’t even say I’m sorry, just laugh it off and blame tequila (Don’t do this kids, people don’t like it). I was angered by it but it was easy to brush off after, I’ve had much worse happen and those guys say “So when can I see you again?”.

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“What about-” “Refer to the image above you, hog”

 

All in all I don’t think Bruce had much to apologise for, I’m mostly embarrassed he read everything else. My opinion of him has changed, someone recently said “he’s after ANYONE at the moment” which isn’t a rave review…Will I go there? Maybe. I’m the sort of person who never learns their lesson and my wingman tequila is always happy to lead me astray. Do I want to go there? Not amazingly, there’s nothing wrong with him but now he’s covered in my thrown-up pizza…

Right enough of over-used metaphors, there are hookers with less wear and tear. Again sorry for the irregular posting, I’m the equivalent of Courtney Love’s cocaine stunted periods (That’s a rave review). Join me next time for an awkward blowjob and the possibility of a real date with a nice guy! (I know it seems impossible, but there’s still tonnes of time to wreck it, don’t worry guys…)

Stats:

Cigarettes: Guys its my religion, you wouldn’t stop a catholic from eating their holy sacrament…

Diet: I ate a wheel of brie… *sob*

Exercise: I ate a wheel of Brie! That’s exercise goddammit…

Dates: One with the really nice guy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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