…And a major rant…
Hello dear readers! So last week we began Infidelity Month and as if in karmic retribution, I’ve fallen sick. No, its not some horribly ironic illness like herpes or the clap, just a touch of tonsillitis (although I suppose it does prevent me from going on dates?) At the risk of tempting the dating gods into giving me something even worse -chlamydia perhaps?- I’m continuing with the cheating talk this week, yay!
Now its times like these that I’m glad I don’t vlog, firstly because right now I’m so mucus-y I sound like a Dutch person reading Yiddish (two peoples in one go, double points!) and I look like a sweaty monster… Grossness aside, the second reason is I received my first hate mail last week! There’s a special feeling you get when someone is so enraged that they feel the need to personally tell you how Nazi like you are. Well my apologies dear anonymous reader, as much as I love a well cut jacket my Jewish heritage and fear of tattoos prevents me from being a Nazi (but at least now you’ve got some fun anti-semitic things to throw at me instead *wink*). Also YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NEXT…
Knowing I may provoke more hate mail this week, which to be honest is water off a slut’s back, let’s talk about the second guy I slept with! So this week I met up with a friend from way back, for privacy’s sake lets call him… Felix (side note, I googled boys names this time and was so tempted by Adalberto).
Adalberto Felix is a guy I knew at university who I had a brief fling with, it was one of those young whirlwind romances where everything’s perfect and having sex in a bush seems socially acceptable. We spent about 50 seconds together before the temptations of one pound shots and hundreds of unsupervised twenty year old’s tears you apart. I hadn’t seen him in years and was surprised when I went out for dinner and he had been invited as well. I wasn’t angry to see him there, I just like prior warning when I’m going to see someone who’s been inside me, it just catches me off guard you know?
Felix and I spent most the night catching up, it’s the obligatory “where is your life at now?” chat you have with everyone after years apart, for us millennials that mostly comprises of “how much debt have you racked up?” For younger readers wondering if having a conversation with someone you had sex with once or twice is awkward, bear in mind we’ve both slept with lots of other people by now (also this content might be wildly inappropriate for you). There’s nothing like the horrors of dating in you mid-twenties to make earlier flings seem completely normal, it takes time for the really freaky fetishes to manifest.
Over dinner I had learnt three things about Felix:
- He’d started working in tech (Here’s looking at you Ronaldo)
- He had just moved again
- He was in a relationship (you can see where this is going…)
From the way he talked about it, he didn’t seem particularly happy being tied down. I agree it can be fun and carefree being single (you do save a lot on Christmas presents), however at times its a lucid nightmare of terrible dates and depressing sex. Keep that money you saved not buying your boyfriend a PS4 and start investing on a good therapist if you want to join the club.
After dinner we all went for a couple drinks because if I’ve learnt anything it’s that alcohol improves your decision making. It got late and feeling slightly tipsy I knew it was time to
drink more go home. My one good decision reminded everyone else that it was a working night and they reluctantly agreed to leave too (finally I’m a good influence!) This unfortunately meant that me and Felix ended up waking home together, not that I disliked him just in hindsight…
Top Tip #32: Get a cab you cheap whore, walking home together is the first step towards waking up together…
I asked Felix if he wanted stay at mine so he wouldn’t have to walk another couple of miles. This made sense at the time, I had to wake up early for work and he could hop back into town with me when he’d sobered up. It may seem like I’m a siren luring taken men onto the adulterous rocks but I didn’t plan on sleeping with him, then again I don’t plan on sleeping with a lot of people. When we got home we found someone already crashing in the spare room which meant that he had to sleep in my bed, which I agree makes it look intentional on my part. The funny thing is when I actively try to sleep with people everything goes wrong, the second I don’t plan on sleeping with someone its like fate goes out of its goddamn way to make it happen.
We ended up in my bed and lo and behold we had sex. Much like last week it started with drunken groggy groping (my side job is writing tongue twisters). This seems to be a theme with infidelity, I worked out last week that out of the eight partnered people I’ve slept with (knowing and unknowing I want to add) six of the guys did this. Of those six, four of them called me the wrong name, mostly mid-sex which does wonders for the self esteem. I put this down to rationalising what they have done. If it starts with a drunken grope they can call “tequila” and say that alcohol made them do it. The wrong name business strikes me as another layer for emotional buffering, a way to comfort them (somehow) because they were at least thinking about the right person *eye-roll*. I admit some people simply make a drunken mistake (me), but this routine has happened so many times with different people that I think its an armour they put on to steel themselves for the emotional turmoil that comes next.
I have a weird respect for one man who after having sex told me that I’d have to go before his girlfriend got home. I was shocked when I found out but the emotional dis-engagement and complete ownership of how bad he was being seemed pretty impressive (everyone loves a bad boy). Personally I think that if your going to cheat you should:
- Know exactly what your doing and be honest with yourself
- Ideally break up with you partner but if your not ready for that then keep it goddamn quiet
- If your going to be a serial cheater then don’t fake remorse, no one likes a liar
Musings on the pathology of cheating men aside, I will point out that in this case I’m pretty sure I shot before Greedo (for those wondering, that nerdy reference means that I started it). Felix and I had fumbling drunken sex just like Jumpy… On the bright side Felix’s dick is bigger than a most guys I’ve slept with so my usual complaints there can be skipped. He fits into my ‘typical’ type, skinny white guys with subordinate personalities, I’m a sexual dictator…
Being as drunk as we were the sex wasn’t exactly earth shattering, its hard to cause an earthquake when you can’t say it without slurring. Afterwards something was different though (aaannnd we’re back to the clickbait sentences). Usually after I’ve slept with a guy I’m either consoling them, because apparent my body vampirically sucks up happiness, or we immediately develop the repertoire Russia and the USA enjoyed pre-Trump. Felix however was amazingly affectionate and I was surprised by just how much I missed that. I’ve spent so long being single and owning my independence that I forgot I used to enjoy laying in bed and hugging someone who I don’t pay pet insurance on. I know technically its not my affection to take (soz person Felix is dating) but I genuinely needed that, it reminded me why I’m going on all these dates and not just eating Pringles and watching Gilmore Girls.
So yes dear readers, weirdly this week’s story about possibly ruining a relationship is… kinda uplifting? Feel free to call me a Jew-Nazi if you disagree but have the decency to be funny, as Roger Smith once said:
“If your not going to make the effort to be entertaining, I’m not going to go the extra mile to listen.”
Join me next week where I talk about MORE cheating, it is Infidelity Month after all. I hope this post left you with the lesson that there can be positives to a terrible behaviour, like how a good genocide at least brings housing prices down… I just got a fast track to hell didn’t I?
Cigarettes: Less for once! Mostly because I can’t actually breath but you have to take the good where you can…
Exercise: Also less… This is impressive because I didn’t exercise much to begin with…
Emotional State: Strangely good!