A Very Awkward Pizza…

…And my cheating story…

Hello my dear readers! This is my second month off this year and I’m sorry for leaving you on tenterhooks! In my defence, working in retail around Christmas gives me about as much free time as a Ghanaian child slave, hence no date updates (look wordplay already). Right, excuses aside lets get to what happened in the month you missed (cue the dream fade and harp music).

 

Not exactly what I had in mind but my sixteen year old cousin told me the eighties are cool again so I’ll let it slide… Now I do have a few discussion points planned so I’ll just give you a quick run down and expand on some later (how enigmatic… not lazy at all….)

  • I met a nice guy on tinder and immediately bailed, he was far too level-headed
  • I finally worked out how Instagram works (soomanymistakes if you interested)
  • I’ve been in contact with BOTH my Ex’s for something really quite special *wink*
  • I made out with someone truly quite terrible, thus continuing Infidelity November
  • I have a Throwback Thursday to END all Throwback Thursdays
  • I met someone incredible

Now which of these will I touch on first I hear you ponder aloud? None, because I’m about as reliable as having sex in the bath as an anti-pregnancy method. No today, my luckless children, will be about MY foray into cheating. After outing everyone else last month I felt guilty (not that airing ALL my dirty laundry online is enough for you guys) so today will be the story of how I met my second boyfriend…

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Hint: It was not like this…

 

Now some of you more keen eyed readers will notice in my wonderfully crafted ‘about me’ section that I say I’ve been in ‘relationships’ for seven years. This is true, my first boyfriend was for two and my second was for five, however, there was an overlap. Like any alcoholic worth their tequila salt, I double parked for the last two (and first two) weeks of bliss.

For your ease and mine I will call Ex-boyfriend one… Derek and Ex-boyfriend two… Hansel? For Zoolander fans who think I’m just being lazy and ripping off that amazing film, you’re right, it’s much easier this way. This is also because Derek is fairly like Derek Zoolander: dark haired, skinny and just one crayon short of a box. That’s not to say he isn’t an amazingly kind guy but I do remember offering him sexual favours to help him learn the order of the planets. We met at the perfect time for forging long term and down-to-earth relationships, aged seventeen.

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With time I’ve come to see Triton’s point of view…

 

Nowadays when someone tells me they married their childhood love, I look to find the guilt baby that kept that relationship bound together. That’s not to say I don’t believe it can happen for a couple, but by and large I imagine those maiden voyages go as well as the Titanic’s. Puberty is just such a personality destroying volcano,  you either come out of the ash a different person or you might just have married a man-baby who didn’t change at all.

Derek and I had a very youthful relationship, which is the polite way to say we spent most of our time having sex. This worked out fine for the first year, we were young, we were going to get married (probably have sex on the altar) and nothing could tear us apart. We had the mindset that each argument we survived only made us stronger. You know, just like how heart attacks make people stronger.

Towards the end things were not great. I had just moved to university and almost anything he said would drive me insane. At this point even the sex could not prop up the shanty town shack that our relationship had become. It was during this time I said the second most cutting thing I have ever said whilst someone was inside my body… Whilst in the midst of our ‘throws of passion’, Derek looked down to see my disinterested face and asked:

“Are you okay Sam, you don’t look like you’re enjoying yourself?”

Which to my eternal regret I answered with:

“Sorry, I was just thinking about my laundry.”

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Giving someone the cold shoulder whilst they’re inside you is an art…

 

 

About a week earlier I had met Hansel for the first time. Hansel was also dark haired and skinny but he was very intriguing. As the human definition of extrovert I’m always magnetically attracted to shy people at parties, mostly because dragging them out of their shell is a social sport for me. This where I start to get ashamed of myself, you see before we parted ways I kissed Hansel. I was very honest, I informed him of my boyfriend, our relationship and my intention to end it soon. Is this a bad thing? Weeeeellllll (yes Sam, yes it is) in the short term it wasn’t right. I had betrayed my ‘beloved’s’ trust but, in the long term, I did cement my date with Hansel and emotionally killed the relationship.

The problem with advice like “If you’re not happy, just break up!” is you never know how depressing its going to get. It’s like bluffing in poker, you stick and stick and stick hoping for a last minute reprieve, but really you should have folded before you made out with a new man.

Top Tip #61: Spice up your love life by juggling two *wink*

Soon after my sex with Derek was interrupted by a rogue spin cycle, we broke up. It was my first time ending a relationship, and much like my first time having sex, it was awkward and over quickly. My stand out moment would be ordering ‘Sorry I Ended Our Two Year Relationship Pizza’ which he still ate, showing there are no wounds too deep for melted cheese and carbs (except being stabbed, don’t phone for pizza, phone for an ambulance).

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“Chill Homie, Sam’s a bitch anyway” – The desired effect?

 

 

Derek left the next morning, which I Insisted upon. This oddly assertive action was hiding a diabolical motive, I needed Derek to depart on that train because it was the same train I needed to get on to meet Hansel for a date. Now I really have no excuse for this one folks. Rebecca Black recorded Friday, Justin Bieber dared to exist and I was a sneaky little snake – youth hey? After Derek tearfully boarded the train (my eyes constantly darting to the clock) I ran into the carriage three doors down and began fixing my hair.

Top Tip #141: Time management is for fools.

With seven years hindsight I can say I’m glad I did go on that date. Hansel turned out to be a wonderful boyfriend (for a time) and Derek got away from a terrible lover who would rather think about their dedicates. That being said, I really don’t think I handled it very well, luckily neither of them know.

What do you think dear readers? Am I an evil little seductress with no moral compass or was a wayward youth (in a very middle class sense, like I’ve never stabbed anyone).

Thanks for waiting so long for me to start writing again, I’m making it up to you with two, that’s right two more revelations about yours truly in the next couple posts.

Now for something I haven’t done in ages…. STATS!

Cigarettes: Well Santa may not have given me any coal, but with lungs like mine I could have given it back with interest…

Diet: Its Christmas, if eating double you daily calorific intake whilst feeling bad for homeless people isnt a Christmas tradition then I don’t know what is…

Dates: Two! Updates to come, I promise.

Emotional State: Very happy, why? you’ll soon find out *wink*

 

 

 

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