…I feel the title explains this one…
Hello dear readers! I’m back to regular writing and like the polar ice-caps, I have no idea how long this will last. As you probably picked up from my cheerful humour, I’m not in a great mood writing this post. Why? Well this week I managed to get one of my ex-boyfriends (Hansel), to review me. Last year I gave both of them a simple job, to write ten reasons to break up with me.
As little cold-hearted me ended both my relationships, I thought it would be cathartic for them, and a sort of performance appraisal on my end? I had hoped this would be a quick job, it’s what I’ve come to expect from them (sorry I couldn’t resist), now I have the results!
Given my choice to avoid gender pronouns on my blog, it may surprise some of my more regular readers I’m actually a gay guy. I enjoyed the ambiguity, it kept my shared experience universal, but after 27,000 words… what’s the point? Another issue is that I couldn’t adapt this list to be sex neutral, Hansel became a bit of a drag queen towards the end (#ThanksRupaul). So if you’re conservative and dislike the idea of sex perpetually free of pregnancy scares, time to stop reading.
Reason Number 1: I am Impatient
“Do not take longer than him getting ready before leaving. I was never allowed to fully blend out the contour.”
Now I hate to disagree straight out of the gate, but I’m going to anyway. Back when I dated Hansel I already took a long time getting ready. If I can drink two vodka cokes and smoke five cigarettes (an essential part of my routine) in the time it takes for you to reposition your face, the issue might be the makeup.
So that’s reason number one down with zero introspection, lets roll on to…
Reason Number 2: I’m Ignorant about Makeup
“Drag queens are a no-no, if your makeup includes lashes you’re a drag queen, no questions asked. Try to be happy with yourself, don’t argue with his ignorance.”
As I said, in the last few years of our relationship Hansel became absorbed by makeup. If you brought a book called “Baking with Delia” and halfway through it turned into Putin’s biography, would you keep the book? That was my issue (other than my love of run-on metaphors), I kept reading that book to the point where even the sight of Putin made me angry. Admittedly I should have told Hansel that I didn’t like what he was becoming, but its natural to pray things will get better rather than worse.
Okay, so we might have hit an emotional soft spot there… Luckily, like any
good vodka, we can forget that with…
Reason Number 3: I Hate Cartoons?
“If you like Pixar/Disney, he’ll put up with it and pretend (badly) he enjoys watching it. But really he just uses it as something to fall asleep to, or noise in the background whilst having sex.”
I can only answer this with Planes (2013). I like any of the golden age films as healthily as any twenty-five year old should, which is enough to not look like a paedophile. However, many films made conveniently outside the time period when I was most hormonal aren’t that great.
Of course some films are good, but anyone over twenty-four who idolises whatever message Lasseter shits out needs a reality check. When we’re young morals like “be kind to everyone” are fine, but when you’ve hit middle age and looking at your second divorce, Let It Go won’t cut it sweetheart.
As for the sex bit, I have a horrible habit of taking something men naively love and making it dirty. Years from now though, when Hansel is eighty-nine, he’ll remember Wall-e fondly.
Top Tip #36: Take any childhood whimsy and shake the life out of it until you’re banned from the app store…
Reason Number 4: I WILL Judge your Friendships
“Your friends are his friends, if he doesn’t get on with them it’s your fault. Get new ones and pick wisely, No Drag Queens”
Now I have to break this one up into sections because (apparently just like his friends) I’m going to judge the hell out of this statement.
Firstly regarding the drag queens, I’m sorry Hansel but I don’t like them. Imagine you’re the only well-adjusted child star in a conversation with Macaulay Culkin, Shia LaBeouf and Amanda Bynes (I talk about Lindsay too much). What’s there to talk about? “Sorry, no my sex tape didn’t leak”, “actually I’ve never done drugs and no I don’t hate my parents…” Imagine that but about makeup. Funnily enough, saying “actually I don’t have to use much cover-up” does not go down well with people who use primer like a preacher uses
emotional guilt to get donations the bible. Now that I’ve covered getting hate mail from two opposing groups, lets unpack the rest of this.
I thought all couples vet their significant other’s friends? I would take this more personally if he didn’t see fit to keep two of my friends and drop the two of his I complained about.
Top Tip #146: Always be right, even when your wrong.
Reason Number 5: I’m Always Right, Even When I’m Wrong
“Arguments, even if he loses he will try to win. These are the times to avoid drawn on eyebrows, he will rub them off your face mid scream”
Well that’s awkward, don’t have drawn on eyebrows and be wrong if you want to date this feisty ball of knowledge. In fairness to Hansel, I do love to argue. It’s stimulating and keeps the mind active but can be a tool for destruction. Having a spirited conversation after a thousand shots of tequila outside a taxi rank would be like… I don’t know, giving Trump power over the land of the free. Funnily I’m nowhere near as verbally competitive when I’m happy, but that’s my fault for not leaving the relationship sooner. You can’t complain about a prison cell if you have the key in your hands.
That sad reflection aside, I still encourage debates. If a man can’t satisfy you sexually, he might as well make you better at telling him that (Hansel was fine in bed before you start wondering).
Reason Number 6: I Always Win Debates
“If the conversation goes towards a subject he doesn’t like. You will know, and will question your choices in life”
If you can’t play then go home, to me…
Reason Number 7: I’m Impossible to Please
“You won’t ever be his type”
I’m not really sure how to respond to this criticism, mostly because I do have a type. Like Jesus before me, bring me your bookish, lonely and emotionally broken. After three years of dating a withdrawn and quiet man, I was suddenly faced with a diva drag queen… The Big J would not approve. As much as I loved Hansel in our private moments, it never made up for a dusting powder taking precedence over my happiness. That said I don’t think anyone’s creativity should be crushed, but maybe I should dal-eave a relationship when it goes a direction I’m uncomfortable with (it’s not a post if there isn’t a bad pun).
The lesson here isn’t that you’ll never be my type, it’s that you shouldn’t conform to fit my expectations. If you’re in a relationship with someone who can’t accept your differences, take it from me, it won’t get better. You might have a “save the relationship dog/baby/netflix account” but you can’t put a plaster on a decapitation and kiss it better.
Well that was fun and full of jokes, lets move onto…
Reason Number 8: I’m a Prissy Prince
“His own body/hair maintenance is important. Yours must match. If not he won’t be afraid to let you know, naked, mid sex, when you’re getting into it.”
Yes? I wax a lot, I don’t want each guy who gets between my legs thinking it’s an application for I’m a Celebrity Get Me out of Here!
Now as reasons 5 to 6 proved, I’m going to argue this point (and win). Hansel’s baubles certainly had some tinsel hanging from them (oh I do miss Christmas) but I never mentioned it. What do pubes and malignant cancer have in common? You don’t want them in your teeth. Suffering that burden whilst ritually ripping hair from my skin made the back hair on top of this a hard pill to swallow… I just fail to see how someone can spend three hours putting on makeup and neglect to spend three minutes making sure they weren’t the Hunchback of Notre Damn. Rolling over onto the sex issue, in my naivety I thought it would be kind to offer some assistance. If I’ve seen you puke, suffer diarrhoea and enjoy game playthroughs (I really want an angry email this week) why can’t I tell you your humpback whale has adapted to a colder climate?
I have obviously learnt that sex isn’t the time to bring these issues up, no one feels desirable when they’re criticised (well, some people do). Going forward I’ve learnt to just politely buy my significant other a voucher to a beauty salon.
Top tip #263: Being passive aggressive is better than overt rudeness during heated moments .
Reason Number 9: I’m a Bitch
“He will also point out those ‘chubby bits’ you’re trying to ignore”
I did this and it wasn’t kind. This became an issue after Hansel became involved in drag. Do I regret it, yes. You should never use someone’s flaws as emotional leverage to get them to do what you want. The only thing I can say in my defence is that I would spend hours sprinting, days removing body hair and ages giving head. This made me testy seeing him spend money on eyeliner and corsets… All the effort I made was dedicated to him, whereas he would hide his insecurities for strangers but ‘let it all out’ for me. If I wasted the last three days dragging my personal trainer around on a makeshift slave trolley, you better not put honey on top of your peanut butter.
Reason Number 10: I’m a Fucking Monster
“Look up ‘bad traits of a Leo AND Virgo’…. THAT.”
Wow, News of The World had more issues… For simplicities sake I will bullet point this next part.
- Selfishness – Probably, I write about myself.
- Irritability – So many pointless blowjobs though…
- Apprehension – No.
- Secretiveness – See “write about myself”
- Scepticism – That’s not negative.
- Coldness – Sometimes?
- Unresponsiveness – …
- Inconstancy – That I admit.
- Indecision – No.
- Short tempered nature -YOU FUCKING SAID WHAT?
- Timidity – Same as apprehensive.
- Calculating approach – Again not a bad point.
- Arrogance – I prefer to think of it as self-assured.
- Domination – Only in a debate *wink*
- Guilelessness – I had to google that, it means honest, which is only bad if you’re a liar.
- Fussiness – Hey, if it’s back hair, who isn’t?
- Anger – Similar to short-tempered?
- Sensitivity – But also cold and arrogant.
- Impetuousness – And timid, indecisive and apprehensive apparently…
- Impatience – We covered that.
- Bluntness – Yes.
What did we learn children?
Don’t date me.
With all this said, it was really sporting of Hansel to send me this list. Despite our issues we managed to survive five years together and I wouldn’t change that for all the coke in Charlie Sheen. This list comes from the very end of our relationship when we were both done with each other, there were many happy times before it.
I think this song encapsulates our happy times, as much as a few minutes can.
If you found this at all healing or helpful, feel free to spread my message of post break-up reviews. Who knows? I might end up on Lad Bible next to an article on how cats are hilarious.