The Reason(s) I’m Still Single…

…It’s cheerful honestly…

Hello dear readers! It has been two weeks since we learnt that dating me is akin to spending time in Guantanamo Bay, I’ll just water board your self-esteem. I had planned to release the list my other Ex gave me but instead today we’ll be doing a self-assessment…

Why am I judging myself this week? I woke up naked in a guy’s bed, but we’ll get to that. Coming into 2017 I want to be a more responsible single. I want to walk out the house without people wondering if I’d spent the evening crying over a bottle of vodka (joking, we all know I don’t cry). I’ve found three problems I had in 2016 (other than Brexit, Trump and the ceaseless existential dread) and we’re going to see if I made any improvements during the last twenty days.

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For all my tl;dr peeps…

 

Right, I’ve tried to order these issues so the most innocuous, here meaning “well, at least it’s not meth” is first. The last problem will be the worst, but since I lack introspection I probably still won’t care. That little disclaimer out the way, let’s head on over too…

Problem One: I Don’t Respond to Viable Dates 

Last year I passed up plausible tinder dates to go out drinking with friends. I don’t think this is terrible, I’m independent, happy and mildly alcoholic (should I be proud?). This is only an issue when I wake up the next day after a sloppy kiss from Hank or bailing mid-blowjob. Going forward, if I’m going to have physical contact (that’s such a horrible expression) with men I want to have a ‘get to know you’ date first. How did 2016 Sam fair with arranging dates?

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I had a nice time but you don’t seem terrible so….

 

We’ll call this guy Oliver because like Oliver Twist’s dad, I completely forgot about him. So readers, why did I decide to drop him like Beyonce drops new albums?* No idea… and before I get anyone saying it’s because it was ‘too real’ for me, you’re talking to the guy who gave a blowjob underneath a restaurant table.

Top Tip #219: Class can’t be brought so it’s clearly worthless…

Have I improved upon this? No… you’d think since Oliver was only a month ago (you can see why I didn’t bother to mention him until now) I haven’t had much time to do anything. You’d be wrong though dear reader, I have had a chance to change my spectral ways. Anyone who reads my blog regularly might remember Ronaldo, don’t worry if you forgot, I did too. He was this guy I went on a blind date with last… October? I wasn’t thrilled but willing to revisit, like dinner at any Italian chain. Well I bumped into Ronaldo last Wednesday and boy did I make it awkward. He came over and started chatting about how bad it was that we never caught up, the usual “I would have had sex with you but I didn’t really need to get to know you” talk. Mid-sentence I hugged him and said we should “totally see each other again soon”, and shoo-ed him away. He didn’t even get to finish fake apologising…

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– An accurate representation of my conversation closer…

 

I felt guilty about how brutally I left things so I messaged him to explain I was busy with my manager at the time. Ronaldo responded but I never read it, just like Oliver he’s an unopened message now. Why? I have no idea, I think my expectations of love are based on a fairy tales. If I don’t feel that spark then I’m not going to waste time on these people anymore. Not after Patchy Penis

So I’ve fervently refused to improve this area of my life… Before I move onto my next point I’ll take five minutes and actually respond to these to guys. It’s an easy fix and I might get a date out of it, 2017 Sam is no longer a ghost.

Problem Two: Stop Getting with Other People’s Boyfriends

I feel this one is fairly self-explanatory, plus I had a whole month themed on cheating last year so I’ve been bad alright?

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“Get away I thought he was single!” – Renaissance Me

 

The question is have I improved? In some ways yes, but mostly no. After another night with Whorey we woke up and laughed at how stupid we were. It was all giggles and whimsy until he said…

“And then you made out with Damien!”

-Side note- Damien is obviously a pseudonym, i don’t live in eighteenth century England… I had zero recollection of this particular interaction and therefore it didn’t happen in my mind. The last time I recalled seeing Damion we were chatting about how happy he was with his new boyfriend, so yeaaaaah… Not really an improvement there… I did drunkenly steal his jumper too, I took his fidelity and the clothes off his back. Am I proud? Of course not, but as I don’t actually remember doing it so I don’t feel terrible either. The worst part is I met his boyfriend soon after… He didn’t slap me outright so I’m guessing Damien is feigning innocence, I didn’t feel the need to take that too. People might say that I have a moral responsibility to tell the boyfriend about how terrible Damien is In a perfect world, I would totally agree with you. Unfortunately we live in a world where Zika, Sarin and Adam Sandler regularly destroy good people’s lives, I’m not the real issue here… It’s selfish but Damien’s crappiness isn’t my fault, their relationship isn’t mine and I’m content to let them plod along to breakups-ville or the aisle (think of all the presents I could steal).

So yes I’m still a big old relationship wreaking ball. In future, I’ll try to stop channelling my inner Miley, or at least have “Sorry but Your Bf Double Parked” cards made up.

Problem Three: Less One Night Stands

I am determined to have one meaningful relationship this year, not five years meaningful but I want to at least know their last name and postcode. My search for this sort of relationship is already off to a rocky start, as this next picture will reveal…

 

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10/10 for bluntness Sam…

 

So how did I find myself in this possibly sticky situation? After another night out (maybe this is where the real issue is?) I awoke like sleeping beauty, somewhere strange with a man on me. In the grand tradition of terrible names, we’ll call this guy Pablo. I’d give you the usually Man Stats but unfortunately I can’t remember them this week! What I do remember is Pablo is my age, has dark and handsome features but is slightly chunky (drunk me is a real chubby chaser). That night I wasn’t as slutty as you’d think, we were in the same friend group, but it was the first time I had met him. Worryingly my friend was hitting on him most the night so double points for breaking the ‘taken man’ resolution with the same stone. At some point in the evening Pablo started flirting with me instead of my friend and I showed all the loyalty of a drunken Lannister. The rest as you can tell was a bit of a blur, stumbling to his house, stumbling in bed and waking up naked. The most shameful part was running around his apartment trying to find my clothes, it was an R-Rated treasure hunt… This got me wondering, when I’m drunk do I walk around and “seductively” take off items, or do I stand in one place and throw them around like a juvenile clothes sprinkler?

Pablo has got back to me and no we didn’t sleep together which is a relief. Also, as the message proves, I did know him for a month, we just never spoke!

In all seriousness, I am worried about waking up with strangers and not really knowing if we had sex. Next time I’ll drink until I go to the stranger’s home but remember in the morning, that’s what princesses do right?

Top Tip #239: When you start seeming sexually deviant, blame media…

So have I improved? No, I was just too drunk to have sex. In the coming weeks I will try to be better and go on a real date, or at least only have sex with people I’ve spoken to more than once (when did I become a diet Charlie Sheen?). That’s all for my introspection this week guys, I’m a cold, relationship ruining slut on paper. Luckily I have enough self-esteem to see where I need to improve and by May I’ll be having a 3-month fling with someone actually nice (he just won’t know I’m not). Next week will be the second list of reasons to break up with me so keep your heads up for that guys. Now that I’ve said ‘next week’ I will actually feel like it has to be done by then and not ignore you… I promise *wink*.

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*Without any warning for all you Philistines.

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7 thoughts on “The Reason(s) I’m Still Single…

  1. You pretty much became my spirit animal with this line, “I showed all the loyalty of a drunken Lannister.”

    I am with you on #2 and #3 and working on improving both in 2017.

    P.S. Anyone who messages you that many times on Tinder without a response; probably a bullet dodged anyways. I wouldn’t feel too bad about ol’ Olly.

    Like

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