My Ex’s Perspective…

…I’m quite bad apparently…

Hello dear readers! Posting on time has turned into a double-edged sword, I don’t know how to start without my tardy apologies. Well like a guy with no foreplay skills, lets just dive into it. Two weeks ago (liar) I published the definitive list of reasons to break-up with me. This was kindly submitted by my most recent ex-boyfriend, Hansel. Typically I didn’t agree with him (it was a running theme in our relationship), luckily my other ex has provided some reinforcement. Other than the cold self-reflection, highlighted flaws and nasty comments, the weirdest part of this experience has been nagging people to bitch about me.

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Could you please just call me bastard once?

 

Well kiddies, the wait over. When I first thought about doing this social experiment I was worried that their lists would overlap too much. I was wrong, just like eating a Creme Egg, there are plenty of ways to hate me. After Derek’s list we’ll see if I have any reoccurring personality flaws which I need to might fix… Well, only if I think they’re problems too (goddamnit Sam, your acting stubborn again). Now Derek couldn’t think of a full ten reasons to cut me loose bless him, so you’ll have to settle for seven because I’m great. Where Hansel’s list was a grim emotional scalpel, Derek’s gone for a shotgun approach, large areas covered without penetrating too deep (keep your innuendos in your pants guys). Without further ado let’s move onto…

Reason Number One:  I’m a Messy Human

“Sam has a messy room.”

Now I was originally going call this “Reason number one, Derek is a hypocrite” but it’s best not to get angry right off the bat. I did have a messy room at seventeen so I can’t really disagree with him here, it still sometimes looks like someone has just burgled me. My clever ruse to deter burglars aside, almost all teenage boys have messy rooms! Derek’s was particularly gross at some points (sperm on the walls gross) but it wasn’t a deal breaker for me. Personally I don’t think any man will walk into a willing person’s flat, see some clothes on the floor and suddenly say:

“Sorry darling, your room is too messy to have sex in…”

Unless you’re living in somewhere that could double as a set for a Saw movie, no sane man will leave. This insight has given me an idea for a new experiment though… In all honesty I reckon Derek was just looking for reasons to bump up his numbers so lets move onto…

 

Reason Number Two: I’m a Fake Bitch

“I’m genuinely never sure if when I see him he’s happy or faking it for appearances.”

This I found confusing at first because it’s impossible for me to not express my feelings with my face.

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No… No… I’m happy you came out Becky…

 

Thinking back though I did pretend to happy when I was younger. Derek was my first boyfriend and I suffered from the ‘Love Can Conquer All’ delusion then. Two failed relationships later I’ve gained some perspective (and a serious stank face), you can love a train all you want but it won’t stop it smashing into you. I’ll give you this one Derek, I did fake contentment. I wasn’t experienced enough to admit when a relationship’s not working anymore. I will say that this is kind of a nice thing? Not helping an old granny nice but more giving you anaesthetic before I remove your heart nice…

Reason Number Three: I’m Scatty

“He has a disorganised brain.”

Firstly I call it whimsical and it’s my main selling point.

Top Tip #399: Don’t fix your flaws, rebrand them. 

Secondly, how is this even a reason to break-up with someone?! Sure it’s a perfectly good reason not to hire a personal assistant or a funeral director (“Soz I lost your mum”) but not to end a relationship. I would have more to say about this but after we ended I had to help him with his accounts. My ‘disorganised’ brain saved your organised ass from losing a deposit so suck on that. I’m starting to think Derek didn’t try very hard at all, lets move onto…

Reason Number Four: I’m a Cunning Mental Strategist

“Sam likes to play mind games.”

Now this is an interesting dilemma, can you be scatty and play mind games? I used to do certain things which you could consider manipulative. Once I counted the number of days it took for Derek to call me and waited that exact number till I phoned him back. He sounded very distressed down the phone and asked why I was ignoring him to which I replied:

“It’s exactly the same amount of time you waited, why is it ‘ignoring you’ when I do it?”

In hindsight it’s pretty devious setting a man up for failure, but I definitely got my point across. I still think it was warranted too so maybe I’m just a little psychopathic? To me this has all the hallmarks of a younger Sam, full of emotional energy but no clear way to express it. Now that I’m older I’d have all the tact of a drunken Ann Coutler and just yell “Why are you ignoring such a precious prince” down the phone. So you tell me dear reader, am I scatty (ignore my irregular posting) or cunning, personally I don’t think either are bad. It’s like Harry Potter, I’d happily be a sexy Slytherin or cold Ravenclaw but never a bumbling Hufflepuff…

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But it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t date one…

 

Reason Number Five: I’m Disgusting when I Sleep?

“For a petite guy he snores and sweats like a morbidly obese walrus”

I googled and no, walruses (walri?) do not sweat, so thanks for the compliment Derek. Ignoring the gaping logic hole in Derek’s simile, I do agree with him. I snore, especially if I’ve been drinking but I don’t know if it’s comparable to a walrus. It certainly hasn’t chased men out of my bed or invited walruses in. As for the sweating, my body is weird. Don’t worry this isn’t the prelude to some admission about how disgustingly clammy I am, your not on a shock blog or an X-Factor sob story. My natural body temperature is set to ‘As Close to Fever as Medically Possible’ so anyone who sleeps with me is going to get hot. Guys never complain in winter but come summer it’s all “your thighs are radiators” or “I’m buying an industrial fan”. I would take this more personally but I want them to get away from my scorching skin! After being in a relationship for six months I’m content for you to fall asleep without hugging me, you sheet stealing ass. Sadly everyone else seems to feel like this is the first chess move towards a messy divorce with a stripper mistress on the side. Men of the world, when the ambient temperature is 40ΒΊc (111 Fahrenheit for you american rebels) and you insist on hugging my 55ΒΊc body, it’s going to get sweaty! Much like my internal thermostat, my self-esteem is high enough to sleep alone….

Reason Number Six: I’m an Evil Monster?

“The more you love him the more he wants to punish you. This includes boyfriends and family members”

Well someone took the break-up about as hard as James Franco makes acting look. Let’s break this down, I take the love given to me and proportionally dish out pain to those who dare do it. To make this easier for you guys to understand, I made a graph to explain it:

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I actually took the time to make this…

 

I simply don’t agree with this. Derek’s mum and brother completely ignored me, by this logic they should have received the most sex? On one hand I want to get a follow-up on this point because I am genuinely baffled, on the other I just want set his house on fir… Wait that’s what he means. Joking aside I would like an expansion on this issue, I did leave him handcuffed to a bed for twenty minutes but that wasn’t a punishment as far I could tell *wink*. Unfortunately asking Derek to explain himself defeats the objectivity of this project, I’ll have to work out when I emotionally whipped him and his family like Egyptian slaves. The funniest thing is its been almost seven years since we broke up, I assumed Derek’s list would be more cheeky and rose-tinted. This forgotten mine was stepped on instead, you can take the guy out the relationship but you can’t take the imaginary knife out of his back . It might be because we didn’t have the usual cool down period where I refuse to talk to my Exs (but somehow find the time to sleep with them?) and so the break-up was frozen in angry (sexless) time. Our friendship now is as great as two ex-lovers can be but it took years to get there, maybe he means:

“The more you love him the more terrible it feels when he instantly ignores you when it’s over”

That I could get to grips with, it includes his family too. The simple answer is I don’t know why he feels this way. I don’t think I’ve ever punished his relatives, they didn’t like me enough to get past cold indifference anyway. In fact I spent my of my time at his home blowing Frosty the Family’s dicks trying to make them enjoy my company (figuratively, figuratively). Like Amelia Earhart, JFK’s killer and Christina Aguilera’s career, this mystery is lost to time guys, lets move onto…

Reason Number Seven: He Didn’t get a Damn Trip to Disney Outta Me

“His mother once offered to take him to Disneyland and he said ‘No that’s boring’, I think that was terribly ungrateful.”

Derek you’re being more see through than Gigi Hadid when held in direct sunlight. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt look more closely at this one. Firstly if I am cunning it’s because I’m my mother son, she used to say we’re going for ice-cream before school and we’d end up at the dentist. In this regard a free trip to Disney probably has some caveats attached to it, but Derek was too busy imaging hugging Mickey to see that. Secondly my mum and I didn’t have the best relationship in my late teens, who did? Teenagers are filled with more hormonal entitlement than Meryl Streep’s cupboard is full of Oscars, you’re going to want to punch the bastards once in a while. Looking back it was probably a peace-offering whilst I was battling some serious body issues (thanks Mum you saint). Lastly we did go to Disneyland, just without Derek. It was amazing, we both drank our weight in ‘Micky Martinis’ and we both contracted swine flu thanks to the squalor of Paris in summer. I may have seemed petulant at the time, but our relationship is amazing with or without Derek to witness it.

-Sidenote- Coming back from Disney I fell sick with swine flu but my mum insisted I was just hungover. I recovered after some weird lion king fever dreams (thanks Mufasa) just as she started getting sick too. I’ve never had more pleasure saying “are you sure you not just hungover?” whilst tending to her like a bitchy Mother Tersea…

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“Malaria? It might just be that third cosmo you had Brenda”

 

So that was Derek’s list of reasons of why I’m an asshole. As with Hansel I don’t particularly agree with most of it, I’m a narcissistic, cunning and fake bitch after all. I can sympathise with the emotions though, I’m a hard person to date but much like Everest the rewards are worth the effort (maybe I should start dating groups of men instead?). It’s harder to be critical of Derek, we were together in a very tumultuous period of my life when I would be more confused that May’s Brexit plan. Nowadays we talk like old friends and his new boyfriend is actually a great guy, thankfully he has found some solace after being caught in hurricane Sam. Like Gregor Clegane I’ve stuck around too long for anyone’s good this week so I might do my comparisons mid-week as a footnotes thing again? At least I kept my promise and actually wrote something on time!

My relationship with Derek was young, crazy and emotional, this was just the closing snapshot of if. To give you a good idea of the whole I’ll leave you with this song, which I think captures the (slightly misguided) hope and happiness we had.

 

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