…Let’s get existential…
Hello dear readers! Sorry for the month of silence, even my ex-boyfriends get the occasional drunk text. If you’re tired of being ignored then feel free to follow my Instagram (soomanymistakes) to get ignored on an entirely different medium!
So who do you think you are? More importantly, who is the real person behind the facade you’re dating? These are the questions that I’ll be hacking up with the precision of an epileptic butcher this week. Originally I felt despondent over what to write about (hence the silence), I have more to say about Brad and drinks with James, but I couldn’t bring myself to complain about men again. Whilst having a pity shower to grimly wash away the thought that I spend more time writing about guys then they do talking to me, I received a message. The content was as irrelevant as a beauty pageant’s attempt to help feminism, my reaction was not. As I sat down towel-clad and steaming, I wondered what persona I should put on for this man. Was he used to “Sorry for the late reply, I had to throw a towel on *wink*” or was it my insecure guy who preferred to sidestep sexy talk? Ordinarily, these thoughts skip through my mind like a child on ecstasy but owing to the warm water and exorbitant amount of time I spent on douching, I questioned myself (if you douche but don’t have sex, is it just a colonic cleanse?). Why am I different people for different men, and who am I underneath the fallen leaves of lies? These small adjustments to my personality are what I use to draw men in but they all date the same person, why do I bother? This is my question of the week readers, who are you really when your dating?
At first I thought it was just classic sociopathic behaviour, pretend to be a normal human to draw the prey in. Despite being comfortable with this uncomfortable analysis I decided to do some research, am I the only person who wears a dating death mask?
I employed a classic writing technique, asking your friends for content. Unsurprisingly I’m not the only person who lies a smidgeon their sexual C.V. Men for one always overstate their oral abilities (Micheal can speak 5 languages and yet vagina isn’t one of them). What did shock me was how common certain insecurities were. Now obviously I didn’t ask thousands of people expose their lies so my sample is fun sized. Something about saying “so how did you trick your boyfriend into bed Sandra?” might have turned my paddling pool of friends into a summer puddle… Luckily I asked enough people to find which ingredients we use most when concocting the perfect fake personality. For simplicity sake I have broken this into three sections, apparently lists are cool now kids. Let’s get things started with…
Our Bodies People
Physical appearance seemed like a good place to start, it’s pretty obvious yet ironically the hardest thing to change. Make-up was thrust up pretty quickly and I really don’t want to dwell on it. Be it a light moisturiser or skin toned cement, everyone uses something nowadays. Personally I wear eye concealer on pretty much every date, the only time I don’t is when I’m doing extras work for the Walking Dead. It’s polite not to look like you’ve spent the evening turning tricks for crack but sooner or later they’ll meet the real racoon me. I rarely keep my “I’m awake, I promise” face up, something about having your head thrust into a pillow whilst being choked won’t make a girl wake up early to cover up those telltale bags (I’ve been seeing some ‘feisty’ people recently). One thing I do keep locked down is my body hair. This didn’t come up during my research which was interesting. Either everyone is just expected to be hairless or no one else is pedantic as me? The current body hair style I aim for is intense radiotherapy patient. Something about getting waxed makes me feel cleaner, it’s not really for the men I date (a lot of them don’t mind me being a werewolf’s love child), but I’d never get into bed whilst sporting a merkin on my bits.
The problem with a ‘body’ section is that although my friends have the vigour to apply make-up just for a snapchat, I have not got the energy or inclination to pretend I don’t look like a tired scarecrow after date one. As for our actual bodies, no one talked about hiding their ‘chubby bit’s’, I don’t. I suppose it’s down to sustainability again, no amount of corsets will hide the fact that you contain enough oil in your midriff to undercut the whole of the middle east, Brenda. Embracing your body is important and much sexier, if there is a fetish for Smurfs (I regrettably googled this to make sure I wasn’t talking out my bum) then there’s someone out there who’ll love your body as it is.
It is astounding how many people said they lie about their intelligence. What interested me most was that like fading reality T.V. star Tila Tequila, it went both ways (could I please get a sponsor, either Patron or an actual AA sponsor)…
“I tend to hide my intelligence as I feel sometimes it can come across as intimidating.”
“I pretend to know about things that guys talk about, even if I don’t get it so they think we have something in common”
“If I sound smarter guys will be intimidated.”
“I like to come across witty and intelligent but not too intimidating.”
When did men suddenly fear clever people (side-note, everyone I asked dates guys). Is the best way to guard your home against male thieves to line it with encyclopaedias? Scrap that because apparently it could attract them too. My interpretation is that intellect is a dominating trait. The people who want to appear smart also like to date insecure men (the boat I merrily ride) whereas most of the girls I asked wanted to appear more demure and cover their marvellous brains. Is this a thing people? Can you be a sexual, financial and mental top? It seems the patriarchy is so fragile that if you pronounce algebra correctly on a date then you’re branded a witch. Feel free to weigh in on this in the comments, I am genuinely surprised by the spy levels of deception we’ve all been employing to touch a penis.
The only friend suggestion I resonated with was the compulsion to cover up any geeky roots. As someone who grew up with a head brace and a failed engagement to World of Warcraft, I try hard to keep this past concealed.
Top Tip #431: Lie about your past, men love a mystery and no one needs to know about the body under the floorboards…
I’ve let this slide recently, something about waxing off a kilo of body hair makes you lazier elsewhere. I think the real reason I’ve stopped pretending past Sam wasn’t a little nerdy dumpling is because I’m confident in myself now. I still have to stop correcting my suitors when they’re wrong but that’s because no one likes a rude asshole, not because I’m scared of exposing my dirty, un-sexy brain (this has been difficult, just last week I googled my stance on communism in the toilet just make sure I was right).
Spirit, here meaning personality
My aim was to go for a Mind, Body and Spirit vibe, sadly no one seems to lie about their stance on religion so I’m substituting it for personality kinks here. This was the most diverse set of lies, everyone sands over their emotional edges but we’re all manipulative snowflakes so none were the same. Weirdly I think the veils we use to project different traits are most actively controlled. I don’t ever think about putting on concealer or waxing, these are the things I do for everyone I date. However, when I’m talking to different guys I have to cycle through alternate versions of me that I’ve tailor made. My subjects were not as
invested insane. Most of my friends had all encompassing masks, like a need to seem more hedonistic or ladylike, nothing as intricate as my web of Sams.
My justification for my weird approach to finding a husband was that I’m simply dating such different men that I do this out of necessity. Warhammer guy won’t appreciate my love of Gaga and Mr Heels has zero interest in my appreciation of ancient civilisations. Sadly, as I write this I realise that none of these guys will be marrying just one slice of me, my careful adaptation isn’t evolutionary, it’s just going to make us both sad in the long-run. What I should focus on (and all of you too) is finding someone you don’t have to play emotional dress up with, just find a guy who likes all of you.
Dates: One with my virginal lover, such an oxymoron…
Cigarettes: Well I just had a sharp spike after finishing this post! For my health, I should start being fake again.
Weight: Is honestly the only positive to come from writing this. I may not be real but my body is…