Just The Tip…

…Emotionally you perverts…

Hello dear readers! I’m finally getting more regular with my posts, I’m the girl who’ll message you just enough to steal some compliments but isn’t quite ready to commit to that movie date. Aside from embodying Jenny from Forrest Gump (your nocturnal rape babies are all in the mail guys), I’ve actually had a busy week for once! After attending my parent’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and engaging in what can only be described as a Liver Thunderdrome, my body has given up.  As I write this I have my families cure-all by my side, a box of dubious Spanish “Ibuprofeno” and a bottle of red wine. Revolutionary…

Committing suicide in the most inefficient fashion wasn’t the worst part of the celebrations, in truth the tequila was my shield against the mounting single inquisition. When did it become illegal to come alone to family functions? Carol in the corner didn’t bring her husband or her eighteen-year-old toyboy but no one is questioning her! I spent the first ten minutes of every conversation promising people that yes, I am by myself and no, this doesn’t upset me. Rather than give you the full deposition declaring my happiness, I’ll share some of my favourite responses which I’ve graded for good measure;

“Don’t worry, there is someone out there for everyone.” – Very cliché and assumes I’m lonely, D-

“But you’re so handsome, they must be crazy!” – All I said was that I’m not seeing anyone serious, plus if I wanted someone to desire me just for my looks then I’d get paid for it like a prostitute. C+ because I love a compliment.

“Whatever happened to that, um… Derek? You guys seemed so happy together!” – Yes Debbie, I broke off my engagement because I loved him too much. What happened to your ex-husband by the way? F for making me angry and the pure hypocrisy.

“You should date a black man next time, someone like Denzel Washington!” A* Grandma, your weird jungle fever never ceases to shock me.

 

Grandma
– Grandma, whenever someone mentions The Bone Collector….

 

 

The cumulative effect of so many well-meaning comments was similar to crappy acupuncture, kind in spirit yet incredibly painful. I don’t need everyone to treat like a social elephant man for daring to be single and happy, insanity I know. By the end I’d fortunately drank enough vodka to shrug off any more assurances that I’m not a monster unworthy of love. This wasn’t a thought I brought with me but was apparently the present I’d be leaving with, luckily I’m great at re-gifting (sorry next boyfriend). Has anyone else suffered from this cruel style of interrogation? I’m under the impression that it’s common place to integrate the single person at family functions…

After a serious hangover with a side order of emotional hangups, I’d recovered enough to meet Brad. For new readers, Brad is my on and off again virginal drinking partner who I occasionally see naked… He’s only recently come out so we meet up in traditional pubs and always end up in one of the two Punk bars in town. It’s a change of pace for me, after the disaster with Kitten Sheets and his endless heels, it’s most welcome. He is off the cards anyway after my drunken destruction of the scorched earth policy between me and Whorey Spelling. After heavy sanctions I’ve agreed not to see him again, I’d be safer entering Aleppo then another man’s apartment if Whorey had already marked them.

 

Aleppo
– Pictured, a safer place to sleep…

 

 

I met up with Brad and we proceeded to poison ourselves. He had his bubble of straight cronies with him so I did my best to fit into the conversation which weirdly seemed to annoy him. Brad has this odd dichotomy where I have to appear ‘straight’ enough to hang out with his friends yet if I do this too well he gets jealous. It’s stupid to expect me to walk such a subjective tightrope but I don’t care, the Winter Ice Palace will have a longer life expectancy then this relationship if he wants to give me the cold shoulder.

After a night of drinking beer with apologetic pecks spattered between rounds (young men are so emotional, he’d literally done nothing), it was time to head home. Brad coyly asked me to walk him to the taxi rank which was code for “can we walk past the taxis into your bed?”. We escaped the night and he shrugged off my clothes, Brad is gentlemanly after all.

As we’ve already covered his dick I’ll just give you an overview, it’s the Alex Pettyfer of penises, perfectly acceptable but not attached to anything remarkable. Brad shocked me and asked to have actual sex, up to this point we had only played around with each other which suited me. I’m not ready to move past the oral part our GCSEXs, the emotional fragility involved with disarming a virginity bomb is too real for a sexual butterfly like me. I side-stepped the sex entirely by blaming alcohol, my go-to scapegoat for every problem.

Top Tip #130: Always take a shot of tequila to avoid taking any responsibility…

We fooled around instead. It appears that my nerdy, insecure gamer is a bottom, surprising considering how much he likes to choke a guy. I did introduce him to fingering as a kind of consolation prize. It was typical Sam behaviour, dip your toes into the pool before you find out how much is comprised of tears. Rejecting the sex was the best decision for me, I’m not ready for Brad to associate happiness with my company. It sounds sensationalist but the brain plays terrible tricks on the body after your first time. You mistake the hands on your thighs for security, the pressure on you body for love and the hot breath on your neck for commitment, all of which I cannot promise.

 

love
– Me, after a man declares his love…

 

 

I awoke to a tattooed leg across my midriff and the warm scent of hangovers. Brad stayed uncharacteristically long after our liaison, it was my first actual Netflix and Chill. Gone was the asphyxiation obsessed bravado from the night before, we just hung around until the afternoon sun forced us to rejoin the world. Although it was pleasant to spend time with Brad without the backdrop of sex to come, he acted more like a friend than a lover. Now here is the million dollar question dear readers, is Brad acting aloof because I wouldn’t have drunken sex or because he isn’t comfortable with being gay when he’s sober? Regardless of the answer I offered to give him a lift home, I got a strange shoulder hug in return and sped out of his life…

Top Tip #438: Learn to drive, you’ll save on cab fare and get a good idea of the guy’s income bracket.

I would be more concerned with the status of our… Thing? However I know there isn’t a future for us two. Brad isn’t what I would call marriage material and I certainly don’t expect him to stay with the first guy he meets after coming out. I hope he sees me as a starter car to the gay world, pretty dependable and emotionally robust but not something to start a family with. Sadly Brad’s intent on making a mountain out our sensual mole-hill, a lovely idea that fails to understand how unready I am to enter a relationship. Contrary to the party revellers belief’s (look at me linking back to the beginning), I’m not happy getting close to someone again. I don’t want to fall in love and share my life with someone else, the edges are still raw from my last engagement. All I want right now is what is best for me, a guy to hug when I’m lonely and a bed to myself when I need space.

Is that such a crazy request?

Stats:

Cigarettes: This shouldn’t be a question anymore… Like the crowd at Woodstock, my consumption is usually high…

Exercise: I took a picture next to a gym, it was taxing on my arms?

Dates: One, it’s a newbie so we’ll see how that pans out…

 

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5 thoughts on “Just The Tip…

  1. Alrighty. Questions. Is Brad out to everyone? Family included? Or is it just to a few close friends? Basically would he ever you let you tag him in Facebook statuses? My biggest mistake was attempting to be in relationships with closeted boys. That’s now the number one deciding factor in whether or not I attempt to peruse more than a casual Netflix and Chill.
    It’s cute that he got a little jealous when you were fitting in too well with his friends, but it could also be signs of insecurity on his part. Somewhere deep in his mind he could be rationalizing how easy it’d be for you to leave him if a real relationship were to ever come about.
    In regard to your commentary about “the hands on your thighs for security, the pressure on you body for love and the hot breath on your neck for commitment” that hits a little too close to home. Whenever I’m lying with certain people, I have to make a concerted effort not to romanticize the mundane, sweaty, emotionless sex for something more. It’s good that you can separate your heart and mind from your lower appendage. Hopefully he can do the same if and when you go full speed ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’ve managed to pick up a lot of the points I get to in my next post! Brad is not out to his family which is a massive red flag for me, sexual guidance is more where I slot *cough*slut*cough* in. He’s definitely insecure too which doesn’t really help. I’m going for a soft touch approach (excuse the pun) and trying to coach him into being more secure with his feelings towards guys in general, I’m not running not a build-a-boyfriend workshop over here. As for understanding that sometimes sex is sex, it’s something you learn through rejection I think? When I was sleeping with my ex-boyfriend after we broke up it was a skill I had to acquire to stay sane! Thanks for the obviously insightful read and good luck out there… x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have no idea why people in couples can’t handle the existence of happy single people… luckily(?) for me, I was single long enough that people stopped asking. (Except my sister, who decided I was secretly a lesbian!) Anyway, it seems like you know more or less what you want–and if that’s taking time to be single, what right does anyone have to judge?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. The funny thing was, I actually was dating men the whole time. There was just no one worth mentioning (no one who lasted more than a few dates) so I was trying to dodge a whole different set of questions. People will talk… there’s no way to win!

        Like

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